Post 4: My View On Relationships

My amazing dysfunctional family!

First things first, I apologize for being so quiet in the past few weeks. Life has been a whirlwind in both events and emotions. Todd and I have been so busy and it has been hard to find the time and energy to sit down and write. And, while I haven’t had time to write, I have had time to think. I thought about how complicated and stressful life is right now and how I know I am not the only one dealing with things right now. That everyone is going through something and it’s easy to forget that when you are only seeing smiling faces and success stories all over your timeline. But even with all of that, I have the best person by my side telling me that everything is going to be alright.

With everything that has been going on in my life right now, I couldn’t be more thankful for my husband. A majority of the things going on in our lives impact him greater than they impact me. He tends to be considerably better at handling his stress than I am though. Through everything that is going on, through everything that is uprooting our lives as they were even a month ago, he is still my rock. He is there every day to make sure that he has done everything he possibly can to relieve my stress, to make sure that I can get at least half a night of sleep and to make sure that I am fed and happy (which by the way, me being fed, generally also means I am happy…). My husband reminds me every day why I married him and why I am so thankful to have him in my life.

I can tell you right now that Todd is and always has been a better person than I am. He is much more patient, kind and forgiving. He can see the other side of a situation without thinking twice about it while I stand in the back being Judgy McJudgerson. Todd will help anyone that needs it and give you his opinion without making you feel like yours doesn’t matter. He can teach you how to do anything and actually makes it seem as though he is looking forward to doing it. One of the few problems of being married to such a fantastic person is that on occasion, and by no fault of his own, I feel as though some day he is going to wake up and think about all the times I have sucked as a wife and walk away. Never once has Todd been unfaithful, or threatened that he might leave, or even acted like something I had done wasn’t good enough. But still, I worry that because I know that Todd is a better person than I am, that he will find someone better.

I realize that this is irrational, I even realize that most of it is made up and yet still, I think about it every time I say something that would hurt my own feelings to Todd or every time I don’t support him in ways that he supports me, the thought crosses my mind. Sometimes it is fleeting, sometimes it is more detailed than I would like them to be. It, just like the rest of my stressors and fears is fading slightly as my own confidence works its way back into my life. While it still occurs often, it doesn’t come in the form of dreams. My subconscious doesn’t remind me of it every time Todd and I have a disagreement now which is an improvement to say the least.

If there is any advice that I can give to couples is to find out you and your partner’s love languages. The Pastor that married Todd and I told us one of the most beneficial pieces of advice for our relationship. He said that we love the way we want to be loved. If you find yourself waking up early and making your partner coffee and maybe a little bit of breakfast and making sure you wake them up sweetly, then maybe you can connect the fact that you too want your partner to do that for you. Or if you notice your partner constantly buying you little trinkets from wherever they go even though you think that the keychain from the gas station is dumb, maybe it would be beneficial to see that they want you to think of them everytime you look at something. It goes into the communication part of your relationship, you need to be able to read them and find out their likes and dislikes. You need to know what makes them tick and what ticks them off. It’s not a one time thing either, your relationship should be a constant learning curve. You shouldn’t know the answer to every question all the time. If you do, you get bored and mundane.

I know that I am only 22 and my experience in life is minimal compared to a lot of other people. But I do feel that even with my fears, I have a good relationship with Todd. Otherwise I wouldn’t have married him. Everyday I learn something new about him and I feel as if he learns something new about me. Without a doubt, our relationship, just like everyone else’s is hard sometimes. Sometimes I look forward to coming home to just the dog who won’t ask me why I am irritated or annoyed, but every day,  I look forward to kissing my husband and experiencing yet another crazy day with him. Every day I look forward to talking to him and every day I look forward to hearing about his day at work. Even when he irritates me and makes me want to lock him in the closet for a minute, I love him and appreciate him every day for it. And if your person doesn’t make you feel that way, in any relationship, whether it be friends, family or partners, than maybe you should think about your relationship a little bit more and see what you can do to improve it.

Post 3: Positivity and Trust

“Believing in negative thoughts is the single greatest obstruction to justice.”
-Charles F. Glassman

The worst things in the world are people. People are unpredictable, hard to trust and even harder to keep. Coincidentally, the best things in life are, you guessed it, people. Its no mystery that I have a pretty small “tribe” as people like to call it. I can count the number of friends I have on one hand with ease. To some that’s a problem, but I know that at any point in time, those 5 people would help me at the drop of a hat. They would be there without question to make sure that I was taken care of. But people are still the worst.

My first interaction with people I generally want to trust them. I want them to be the best person there is and I don’t usually expect them to turn their backs on me. But The Hardest thing about the expectation, is that it is rarely met. Trusting someone means being able to tell them anything, trusting that they will support you and inform you when they shouldn’t. Trusting someone means knowing that they are defending you when you aren’t around. It means being able to vent to them and they won’t use it as fuel in your destruction. Trust is not a finite resource, it is never-ending and should go on even after the relationship has passed. But that happens rarely, and usually only with lots of bumps and bruises on the way. Trusting too easily can get you in as much trouble as not trusting at all. People take advantage of the trust you are willing to give them, people use it as a door into your weaknesses. They use it as a away to break you down and put them on their level. Not everyone, but the ones that don’t, are the ones that deserve your whole life and whole dedication. Once you find those ones, you know you have found your true “tribe”.

Recently I have had some interactions with people surrounding me that make you wonder, why? Why are people so nasty? Is it because it is easier to make others feel inferior than it is to uplift people? Is it easier to make people question their worth than it is to evaluate their own? By no means am I saying that I am a perfect person. I can be mean, I say things out of reaction a lot of the time, and I tend to be a little bit moody. A lot of times my immediate reaction is anger or hurt, which also results in anger, but the most beneficial advice I have ever received is give it 24 hours to react. If something makes you upset, or hurt, or sad or mad or angry, give it 24 hours before you react. Honestly, it is one of the few things that has helped me change my attitude toward life.

If 24 hours pass and you still feel as passionately about the situation as you did initially, then by all means, react. Say what’s on your mind and make your voice heard. But if 24 hours pass and you’re not even sure what the issue was, than you will be glad you waited. In those 24 hours you will find clarity, you will absolutely find the true reason the situation triggered that reaction from deep inside you. This is true in love, in hate, in joy and in sorrow. While your initial reaction may be true, it won’t be what’s best for the situation you are in.

Which brings me back to positivity. We live in a world surrounded by sad headlines, pain and sorrow. We live in a world that is so keen on making sure that they are on top, they forget to help anyone up with them. While I know I am not perfect, I choose not to go out of my way to make myself better than anyone else. I choose not to go out of my way to make people miserable. I’ll be the first to admit that I could be better about making people feel better about themselves, but I know that at least I’m not making sure people are miserable around me. I am a work in progress, just as everyone should be. Once we feel we are untouchable and at perfection, is exactly when we start falling behind and failing as a community. It doesn’t cost you anything to simply be nice. It could cost someone else everything with one comment.